Tired Blog State

May 25, 2007

Route 66 Wiwam Motel Holbrook Arizone

John Running




I am struggling with incredible work conditions. Construction for the past month at work dominates my life. I drown myselves in aromatherapy. I rest. My garden is not even planted, but then, it is soggy and I am not my neighbors! I have mysteries to read so I rest my mind from my neurotic thinking thang.


I am struggling with some physical discomfort that feels like a message more than anything. I hurt. I have hives and it may be all the different pain rubs I used on my stiff neck or it may be words speaking through flesh. Or, all of the above.

May is from hell, graduation, registration and as my co-worker Angie superbly put it: Construction Purgatory. When one of the construction workers says to you, “You will be sick by the end of the week working in these conditions.” you do more than pause.

Usually I do not share myself with anyone in May. I kept my commitment to Kara and spent my one weekend a month with her and the boys.

I also had my nephew over who is currently being investigated for child sexual abuse; he is 15. This is complex and demanding and I needed him to be with me because of this and he needed me. One would think I would just believe: “I did not do it.” I do not believe or disbelieve him because I have lived with his emotional and spiritual injuries since I met him. I met him when he was 6. He has a brother in jail for inequalities of this nature too.

The initiator of the report, despite my general optimism about the human being and healing, is almost certainly a budding sociopath. A deeply, deeply, chasmitacally injured boy of 9. (Yes, I had to make another word up to describe this indescribable feeling.) This does not allow me to dismiss the accusation in any way. But, I know how powerless this boy feels in his life. It is wrenching to see him alter himself radically to meet each situation I have witnessed him confront in an effort to regain a sense of power in his life. And, the adults find themselves disgusted despite themselves. I have never felt this disgust, only witnessed it in others.

I think I gave the women in Seward, Nebraska something to chat about today. I was busted for the second time due to lack of car registration. My answer to the fiscal frazzle is to put one foot in front of the other and cope. Not a dream boat method but mine for now, maybe someday I will understand this part of me and find respite. A second bust means you loose your car; it is impounded, or you park it in the driveway. I parked, waited and drove back roads to work for 3 days. So, I did my survival dance, borrowed $1000 from myself via the kindness of a paycheck advance from my workplace and paid the dues. The woman said to me,” You bought this car in July 2206?” “Yep.”

I hope it gave them some laughing chat once I left! One should always leave something of themselves with others!

On the flip side! I received a gift card for Target from a friend and Turtle Mix was on sale! All those vitamins: Chocolate, Grains, Nuts. Life is good! And, the Dean told me to file for mileage for all my graduation travel! I did not even know I could do that! Hot damnee dootee! My 23 year old dog, Sami, has found new life in Doc Foster’s adult canned dog food and lives for her meals. True joy is never ignored in this life! And, she still twirls on her ass and banks the house when I get home. I also received a gift card to Starbucks and bought a humungous mocha espresso orange frappe yesterday. Watch about baby!

I also have a deep philosophical question for the universe: Why can’t EHarmony offer me a 3 for 1 discount on pay day???!!!

In the smiling struggle,





Blue Muse Too

Elly Simmons


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